The day you find out you have cancer is the hardest day and nothing can prepare you for that phone call.
THE BIG DAY.
So let’s back up.. 2 days prior on 14 biopsy day – ouch – I of course asked when will I get the results? My surgeon said call my office between 10-11 on Thursday and hopefully we have them then, if not then most likely Friday.
Now seems like an appropriate time to admit I have a really hard time if things don’t go as planned. I am sure this will continue to be an issue through the rest of my journey but you say 10 AM, I am calling at 10:01 AM – if you didn’t want me to then you should not have given me a time 😂
IMPORTANT THANK YOU HERE!! To all the family member and friends that were also aware of this call happening in real time – thank you for always being positive and instilling hope, and being there to keep me sane …. because I called at 10:01…. and as you all know I didn’t get the phone call back until 4:15 PM.
I have never lived a longer 6 hours of my life. I had a meeting that afternoon 3-4 with one of my favorite pharmacists (and people). I got into the car after super frustrated I still had not received a call and headed home from work.
I really love cows. I love where I live because I get to drive past empty fields of cows on my way home everyday. I was right in front of the beginning of those cows when my phone rang. I immediately felt like I was going to throw up and continued to sweat through my scrubs as I had been all day.
Me: Hello?
Surgeon verified it’s me yada yada
Sami, I have some bad news the biopsy did come back positive for invasive ductal breast cancer.
Me: silent. *ears ringing so loud I wasn’t sure if I would be able to speak loud enough for him to hear me or not anyways*
Surgeon: Sami, did you hear me?
*the tears started falling* (I don’t cry very often and usually there’s a big reason)
Me: “yes I heard you.” *voice trembling*
Surgeon: it’s going to be okay you are strong and young and healthy and we are going to get through this. We will call you and get you back into the office Monday to figure out what the plan is.
Me: okay thank you bye.
Here’s where I am not sure what I was suppose to do. Obviously I was in shock. How do you go from doctors visits for sports physicals and getting hurt working out to having cancer ?!
I am annoyingly honest. I have been the friend that is invited to wedding dress shopping because I’ll say it doesn’t look great. I know this, I own it. It’s okay.
So, I picked up the phone and called my husband and said I got bad news it’s cancer I’ll be home in 5 minutes and basically hung up on him. In retrospect, I’m sorry Justin (I didn’t even tell him what kind or anything and I know that had to drive him nuts).
Then I called my mom and said “are you with dad at work? Go get him and put it on speaker phone.”
This was the second I realized how bad this was going to suck. Not only because I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and by this point was basically have a panic attack but because I realized from here on out all those family members and friends – I was about to continue to ruin each and every one of their days.
I never felt so loved in my whole life as that Thursday evening and night. All the family and friends as they heard. But also, because of Justin. We cried a lot, we also laughed and said “What the fuck?!” (Sorry mom). We were in shock and scared and he started saying right then starting today we will only be a stronger couple because of this. That meant so much.
My little sister, mom, dad, and brother in law came up for a few days to hangout. It was awesome. Justins mom also came by on her way back home to hug me and see me. My neighbor down the street (she’s 13) came quickly to my house for hugs and to say she loved me. We watched baseball and TV, we went out to eat and shopping. We sat and talked and just were in each other’s company.
It was a really bad day, but I can’t say I hate how it’s already begun shaping my future this last two weeks. I didn’t know how much tighter I could want to hold loved ones in the current moment – but I find myself learning to love people more and more every day.
Comments